Visions & Views from a Visiting Voyeur

I just watched a pretty emotional movie. Okay so I love a tear-jerker. It was a movie called “Keith”. It really had an interesting storyline. Someone actually made me watch it. It’s about two teens who spend the senior year together. They seem like completely opposite of each other. But in the end they both needed each other. Two things that might not of ever come together but when they did it worked.

Okay so movies aren’t real. I know that but I don’t think I’m the only person that wishes that surprisingly unexpected good would happen to them. That the thing you never expected to come around the corner good thing would just hit you smack dab in the nose. But alas I am a hopeless hoper and dreamer.

I keep hoping for this big promise. This silly thing I did when I was younger. Okay I will tell it to you but please don’t laugh. When I was younger I felt a real calling to serve God when I was 8 yrs old. I told him while I was playing outside I would serve him but my terms were that I didn’t want to be a nun. Now by not a nun I meant get married and have children. This dream that I just knew God had this person out there he made just for me. I felt like when I was 14 yrs old that he was still telling me there was this “one” still out there for me and I would be silly and do the Fivall thing and look out in the sky and say I know you’re out there somewhere. Right now I don’t know what you’re doing but know I’m thinking of you. I know I’m a complete nut right. And at 19 yrs old I felt God renew that promise again.

As time has gone on, I know I haven’t been a nun or even a good servant. Life hasn’t quite been what I had dreamed it would be. And that somewhere-out-there-person seems to be just me and God for now. And part of me is becoming okay with that. My new mantra is to try and live life without regrets. I don’t know exactly what that will mean but at least I know that I am willing to give it my all.

So if I ask you a lot of questions or look like I’m dreaming please understand. I am trying to just live life with the greatest of intentions and the fullest of possibilities. And if mr-somewhere-out-there if you’re still out there and you’re looking for your glove she is still out there waiting for your hand to fit nicely with her. Look up at the stars and know if you really exist then someday we can sit under them together.

Why does life seem so perfect on Happy Days? Joni loves Chachy... the Fonz is still cool and the gang is fun and games. I was watching it today. Really pretty random. The episode was about Arnold getting married. And the Fonz is the best man. The Fonz of course avoids it like a pro. And Arnold worries about his long distance love doesn't think he is good enough for her.

But reality is not Happy Days. Reality isn't even one of those reality shows. Its getting up and going to work when you don't want to. Its laughing over the ABC's of safe sex. It is crying tears over the fact that the cute guy likes your best friend instead of you. It's heartache and heart swells. Sometimes more of one than the other. But I don't think I would give up life regardless.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able get my education. Happy to be able to be me. I know I push folks away. I wonder what they would think if they new how loving and caring I am. That I love poetry, Shakespeare, art, music, the outdoors, animals, people, and romance. I am determined, stubborn, generous, shy, smart, smart mouthed and ornery. I like glitter, finger paints, laying in the water looking up at the sky, counting ceiling tiles, and reading encyclopedias. But I suck in relationships and I doubt myself. I question my stuff and others too. I am normally very honest, not really good at lies and I like it best when people are upfront and honest with me. Wow this sounds like a bad personal ad. Should I delete. Oh well. This is me and reality.

Sometimes I think for me I forget that reality is where I live. I look at other people and things and think that is where I should be. And I fail miserable at trying to be there. That's why I decided long ago to not be anything I'm not. I'm not happy when I try to do that. So those are my thoughts today.. ta ta for now.

Top Chef is one of my favorite shows. I love to cook. It is relaxing and satisfying. To see people enjoy my food is pure pleasure and fills me with pride. So with so much passion for food and cooking why not be a top Chef? Well don't let the female chefs on the show fool you. There is bias in their midst. Female chefs have cooties. It is as simple as that.

Gender bias is by no means a new things. No fellas this isn't feminist male bashing in these lines. This is simply pointing out something that the culinary business is more than well aware of. Females and minorities lag in the ranks in this field. For example let's look at the famous show Top Chef. Out of the last seven seasons there has only been one female winner. She won the 4th season. All the rest of the winners of course were male and most of them were white males. So are men better at cooking?Let's consider this.

Historically, women tend to be the cooks in families. They make our comfort foods and satisfy our sweet tooth. So why in a professional manner do men seemed to be on the top of the heap if it isn't sexist bias? Some say it is due to the high pressure of the job. The job is a high stress job full of hot stoves and food riskiness. Women in some eyes don't take the risks and don't show the confidence that is needed to be head honcho. They also complain more about the long hours, working conditions and leave sooner. These are all things I found as sudo-reasons from the New York Magazine's' A Woman's Place article, http://nymag.com/restaurants/features/39595/. But as the ladies got in to the reasons it came down to stereotypes, money and power plays. They admitted that normally it is easier for a woman to break into being a pastry chef. But to reach for the elusive brass balls is unseeingly inappropriate in the industry. So girls let's step up to the plate. Figuratively for me in the cooking world of course. I have instead decided to head off another male dominant profession. And guys keep cooking the food. This world needs us all doing our thing, but just a bit more equally I think. Ta ta for now...

Why am I up so late? Well I actually just got off of work. I have actually spent the night talking to different people with lots of questions, comments and frustrations. I love that my job allows me to go to school but sometimes the frustration meter goes up really high with those lovely people who talk to me night after night.

I was thinking about people today. Why do we have so many unspoken rules? And why if a person doesn’t know the rules are folks so quick to push them out? In the Sociology realm we call these norms or mores. And we call the one making the rules the in group and those not following the rules the out group. As my name implies, I tend to be in the latter group. One question I always find myself asking is how do I know how to respond or know what a person is trying to convey or want if they don’t tell me verbally? Oh I understand that there are nonverbal cues. But one cue can mean several different things to different peoples and groups. So what is a gal to do?

So the question on my mind tonight is how do I know he is interested? This of course brings to mind two particular clips…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCWvVSE0WMk&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWX95Pmipow&feature=related

So I guess I’m the rule… and besides the fact that it seems he came by me a few times and also asked about me twice part of me thinks that he may just be a nice guy and that’s it. Still not sure but perhaps deciding to not play might be the best option. What do you think? Ta ta for now…

Tonight, I am ending my Fall Break. I didn’t get as much done as I could have. I should have! I think part of me is mentally worn down and I just couldn’t force myself to move forward. You know what I mean? You get so busy or life happens and you get to a point where you just halt in your tracks. That is so ME right now.

Just to catch you up. I am currently going to school full-time at a nice local university. I love most of my classes and professors. It is different from the community college I was going to last semester. I am picking back up, or at least telling myself I’m picking back up, my quest for weight loss. I am such the procrastinator. Sometimes that is when I do my best work, but to be honest procrastination and weight loss do not go hand in hand folks. Chocolate cookies and weight loss don’t either but alas I am telling myself the fresh baked ones I just made will go to work for those who are chocolate-chip- yummy-goodness deprived. Let’s hope they jump on board and eat them all. Crossing my fingers!

I am also thinking about tonight about love. Why am I thinking about this? There’s this guy. Cute and tall. He seems sweet as well. And I have been going gaw gaw over him. Sad isn’t it. It’s like I’m fourteen and a new cute guy moved next door. I don’t know if any of you watch the Millionaire Matchmaker but she got me thinking. Now disclaimer goes here: I don’t agree with a few of the stuff on that show but she had some great advice about dating the other day. She said "make a list of top 5 deal breakers". I thought **hey that is a great idea**. I tend to always meet guys who are not right for me so maybe this will help me to think with my head instead of my – errr – heart.

Top 5 things that if he ain’t got em’ it’s a deal breaker!

• I want a guy who wants to woo me! (if you don’t know what wooing is see link – http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wooing)
• I want a guy who is honest! Again see dictionary.
• I want a guy who is patient!
• I want a guy who I can’t help but smile with!
• I want a guy who can find my little “things” cute… See song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBErCVNP6rM&ob=av2

So Brain are you getting this? I am getting a level head on and giving the big cookies away! Tomorrow is a good day to get up and get sweaty again. Okay the bed calls… Ta ta for now!

Oh blog gracious blog how long have we been parted… okay no sweet talking. It’s been over 6 months. I have been a bad blogger. I keep coming back and just can’t seem to find what to say. Despite that setback I decided to put fingers to keyboard and ramble.

I had a Monday meltdown this morning. I really question a lot in my life. Why is my family the mess they are? Why am I big mess myself? And what if I fail? That’s enough to start the heart to begin to squeeze and the tension to tighten. So what to do? I went for a nice 1 mile jaunt with the pooch.

It was all in all relaxing. The flowers are blooming along the road and there were some horses eating grass. The sky was a gray color. Without letting the rain clouds deter me from pushing forward I walked and enjoyed. I also brooded which is something I don’t seem to be able to keep from doing. It’s like if I can just work it all out from point a to point z then it will make sense and be clear. Funny thing is that it only works that way part of the time. Life is a vast mystery and I keep sleuthing to figure it out.

Ta ta for now!

VV

I am really stressing starting my new job. No cool cucumber here. I am a bit worried I will be to tired to exercise, or not eat well. New things are so hard to gauge. Can you tell I like to control my future?

Today was a medium day for me. I got up and whined to myself how I didn't want to walk in the cold. I am not a cold kind of person. I would love snow if it could exist in 70 degree weather... oh wait that is what Hollywood is for :). After I woke up, whined about the cold to myself and a few furry friends I then remembered the ummm incident I had yesterday with my elliptical.

Imagine this: A 265ish, 5'6" woman up on her elliptical, confidently pumping her weight filled arms gliding her legs like a cross country skier, hair in the wind, racing through the terrain when all of a sudden she must have hit a patch of hard snow because weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... bam bammmmmmmmmm booommmmmm! The once confident gliding snow goddess is now a puddle of goosh on the floor. It takes me a minute to realize that I have now been ejected from my fantasy into a now painful reality. First thought... have I broken my bum? Well did I? Pat pat pat... no it's still intact.. yes every bit of it. I lay there looking up at the ceiling and I hear a familar voice say... well I guess I can't exercise anymore.. he he h.. I mean oh no!!!! Reality check kicked in. I thought if I don't get back up on that thing and work out I am doing the same old thing again. Letting excuses and circumstance dictate who I am and where I want to be. So I got back up on the monster and continued on.

Okay back to today. I checked my bum and it was sore and bruised but alas no serious reason to not get up and do exercise. Don't think I didn't try other things too. I got onto facebook, I talked on here, I even looked up other forms of entertainment... hulu was not helpful either. So I gave in and got busy. It felt...
Okay! I felt good knowing I got in some exercise and housework. I didn't do all that my nagging perfectionist wanted me too but all in all I accept the decisions I made today. Yeah even the eating chinese which tasted oh so good but after putting it into the food tracker realize it was oohhhhh so bad for me. Mental note Chinese is a few occasions a year thing. Okay stored that away with pizza at 700 calories a slice.

I think in changing my life style which is what I really am trying to do I have to accept my actions. If for some reason I can't accept them then I need to do something about them but as a passage in Luke 9... no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom... and I think even in everyday life if I want to move forward then looking back all the time just keeps me from doing that.

Motivational Tune of the day... CLICK HERE!

Morning Folks.

In week one I struggled with getting back into a good routine. I ate smaller healthier portions and started the exercise slowly. I felt pumped and positive. I lost 3lbs the first week and that increased my momentum.

In week two my plan was more refined. I really started to focus in on what I need to do to meet my goals. I made a motivation poster and posted on my spark page and my home wall. I increased my exercise and really kicked booty. I was thrilled with my push forward. I have people standing behind me cheering me on. I lost 2lbs but then the scale on weigh in day showed no such weight loss. I was bummed a bit. I had worked hard but the results weren’t there. I remembered back to a previous attempt to get healthy and remember that this is common sometimes. Just like week two on the Biggest Loser I won’t lose the pounds I am looking for and there might not be a good reason.

Starting week three I am try to stay positive and motivated. I won’t lie and say that the no pound lost thing hasn’t somewhat bummed me out. I really wanted to meet my goals. I could go and get some ding dongs and say well at least I tried. NOT! I know that the thing to do is to sit down and review what I did. If I don’t find anything in the plan I need to change then I need to move on and go forward. I can’t lose weight or get healthy sitting on my bum having a pity party. The only thing standing between my goals and me is ME!

I know there are others out there who like me have had those weeks when there isn’t a loss or it was a bad week. I have had weeks before where I lost jobs or my kid was horrible. Days that I just wanted to stay in bed and mop. I just wanted to shut down and turn off. It seems so tough to get up and keep doing what you know you need to do for you. I just want a chance to have more good days then bad. I want to know that I gave myself ever opportunity to be the best me I could be. No Regrets! That is what I want my kid to have and why shouldn’t that apply to me as well. I deserve to fly too!

Ta ta for now!

I am using Sparkpeople to assist in my journey. Check it out.

I can't believe this year is almost over. It seems like it just began. And it has been an emotional few years too. But it has been successful too. I have gone back to college, gained more confidence and started getting healthier. I am amazed by it all.

The sunlight is just peaking throught the clouds.

Next is a Clematis that we have planted near our front walk way.

I am not sure what this one is. I know that it is a flowering vine. The white flowers are small and smells nice.

These are purple mexican petunias. Very pretty but not much of a fragrance.

Now for the Morning Glories which are both one of my favorite and birthday flowers. I love the blue. I was nervous there for a bit that they wouldn't bloom but here they are with another flower in my garden.


And to round it off like Christer would here is a picture of our cat Patches as he lays in front of my computer screen. When he wants attention he wants it now in standard fat cat style.

What would you do if you found yourself ill, going to die and the only thing that would help is the selfless life gift from another person? Until recently I had never even considered it. I had talked with family and friends about being a donor, but had decided it wasn’t for me. The thought of giving a piece of my own body up when I die or even living scared me. It seemed so final. I wonder how many others feel close to what I felt.

I was looking up information about this and came across a few tidbits of info. There are more than 75,000 people in the United States waiting for a transplant. Only a quarter of those waiting will get a transplant that will save their life. (http://socialissues.wiseto.com/Topics/OrganDonation/) Before the more recent weeks I would have seen that number and it would have made me think. Thinking though just isn’t enough anymore. When it became more personal to me I could no longer sit back and let my fears, misconcepts and inaction keep me from doing the right thing.

I recently had an old friend reintroduced to me. When we were younger he was the goofy young kid who was a nice guy and a good friend. I don’t think I know of anyone who could say they didn’t like him. In getting to know him a bit again it turns out that he is currently waiting for a heart transplant. This nice guy is 8 months in on his wait time. I was curious about it one day, the ins and outs, and it turns out that unlike getting blood most transplant recipients wait for a donor of the same blood type. Not only do they normally wait for the blood type to match but other factors come into play as well. My friend not only must hope to be the 1 in 4 but also must match his donor with various other factors. This information really boggles my mind. I can’t even imagine how a transplant patient or donor family feels.

So I made the plunge. It was relatively easy folks. I signed up on two different sites. I wanted to make sure not only was my name in my local registry but also nationally. It was important because I have one of the rare blood types.

That means folks who have my blood type are less likely to get the organ they need. Here is one if you live in the USA: http://www.donatelife.net/ . Registering though isn’t enough. It is simple to do but you must also let your family know and if possible include it in a will. Also some states allow you to put that you are an organ donor on your driver’s license. You can also get a card and put it in your wallet in case you get into an accident. I also gave a card to my parents to help them to remember my wishes. These actions alone don’t guarantee your organs will be donated, but it does make the likelihood greater.

No one wants to think about dying. I certainly don’t like too. This is more than about dying it is about living… and living on through others. What could be a greater way to leave this world? Ta ta for now…

I love Rock n Roll. Music in general just sets my mood and takes me to a different place. I was chatting with a few peeps about some tunes earlier today. The subject was about Chicago. I think this band is an all-time classic rock band with a killer horn section and magic guitarists. Take for instance the song “Saturday in the Park”. That song just makes me want to get up and twirl around like a little girl taking in the sunshine and freedom. If you have never had the chance to experience it please take a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTFD1C4tVIg

Saturday in the Park – Chicago (on Youtube)

Did you feel it? See it? Yup the magical experience still happens every time. It reminds me of when I was little. We had a field that stretched between my house and the road that led to my grandparent’s house a mile away. When the grass was high and the sun played peek-a-boo in the sky, I would actually twirl round and round in that field soaking in the sensation. Sometimes there were castles to conquer or adventures to find. In the winter there were forts of snow to build and mazes to roam in. In one song I can go back to those moments and feel it all again. Who can beat that, right!

Another fun song that has me dancing in my seat is Rubberband Man. If I had a Friday song it would probably be this one. Who wouldn’t want to shake their tail feathers to that tune. Don’t believe me then check it out:



Rubberband Man – The Spinners (on Youtube)


I think I love the blue suits they are sporting almost as much as the song. Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle! You know you want to! Great tunes can just make my day! I hope these made yours. Ta ta for now…

Do you ever sit there and wonder to yourself about what your doing and where you're going? Lately, I have had a lot of set backs. I was looking at a quote of the day... and I couldn't help but want to just give that person who said it what for.

When fate hands us lemons, let's try to make lemonade. -- Dale Carnegie

Well Mr. Carnegie... I think I currently have a lemon grove. Anyone want some lemons, figuratively of course? Then I started thinking. Have you ever made homemade lemonade? You really can't make good lemonade with just one lemon. No to make this tasty drink you need quite a few juicy ones. Then you have to do some work. I mean you could try and put those lemons whole in a pitcher and let that be that but I assure you it won't taste right. Only after getting the right amount of lemons, cutting them, squeezing them and adding the right ingredients will it end up the way it should. Don't get me wrong. I still don't like his saying, but logically I guess it makes sense. Now I guess since I have all these lemons, perhaps I need to figure out what to do with them so that I make them into some great lemonade. I really don't have a clue.

Someone else, who I'm guessing has a bit more experience than I, said to me that that each thing in life is a lesson for us to learn. If we don't learn the lesson we get the opportunity to keep trying. Sometimes I think some folks should just stop trying. Does that mean that sometimes the lesson is to just surrender? I feel like sometimes it is. Surrendering is hard. It means that I know longer wish to control the outcome. It also means that I don't know what is going to happen exactly. Okay so I really didn't know before but I did have the illusion that I might possibly know. That is scary. I know it is getting pretty deep in here. I should be glad that I always where my big boots and goggles while I wade through it. I will leave you with these thoughts to ponder. Ta ta for now....

Today I started pondering an idea I have had for a little while. When I get old and gingered I think I want to open a diner or a b&b. I have thought about it before but what made today different is that I actually started writing out menu ideas. I actually really enjoyed the brainstorming.


If you know me you know I love to cook. Someone could name a main dish or say I feel like something and I for some reason can pair up a meal in just a few minutes. Not sure if my idea would work but I made some banana nut bread last night and I am definately sure that will be on the menu.

I also got invited to go camping at the Illinois River in Western Oklahoma. Amazing isn't it. Here I was just a few days ago wanting to go and the opportunity shows up. I hope it works out because I have always wanted to go to the location I was invited too. Some of the activities that are apart of the trip are kayaking or canoeing down the river, eating around a fire, swimming, and just plain messing around with old friends. I am super excited about it. My son would also be able to go and hang out with some of his childhood buds. I love making hot dogs over a fire. I wish we could also go fishing but the job situation kind of puts a money problem which means I can't get a fishing license right now. I can hear the birds waking me up and the crickets singing me to sleep. Ta ta for now...