Visions & Views from a Visiting Voyeur

I just watched a pretty emotional movie. Okay so I love a tear-jerker. It was a movie called “Keith”. It really had an interesting storyline. Someone actually made me watch it. It’s about two teens who spend the senior year together. They seem like completely opposite of each other. But in the end they both needed each other. Two things that might not of ever come together but when they did it worked.

Okay so movies aren’t real. I know that but I don’t think I’m the only person that wishes that surprisingly unexpected good would happen to them. That the thing you never expected to come around the corner good thing would just hit you smack dab in the nose. But alas I am a hopeless hoper and dreamer.

I keep hoping for this big promise. This silly thing I did when I was younger. Okay I will tell it to you but please don’t laugh. When I was younger I felt a real calling to serve God when I was 8 yrs old. I told him while I was playing outside I would serve him but my terms were that I didn’t want to be a nun. Now by not a nun I meant get married and have children. This dream that I just knew God had this person out there he made just for me. I felt like when I was 14 yrs old that he was still telling me there was this “one” still out there for me and I would be silly and do the Fivall thing and look out in the sky and say I know you’re out there somewhere. Right now I don’t know what you’re doing but know I’m thinking of you. I know I’m a complete nut right. And at 19 yrs old I felt God renew that promise again.

As time has gone on, I know I haven’t been a nun or even a good servant. Life hasn’t quite been what I had dreamed it would be. And that somewhere-out-there-person seems to be just me and God for now. And part of me is becoming okay with that. My new mantra is to try and live life without regrets. I don’t know exactly what that will mean but at least I know that I am willing to give it my all.

So if I ask you a lot of questions or look like I’m dreaming please understand. I am trying to just live life with the greatest of intentions and the fullest of possibilities. And if mr-somewhere-out-there if you’re still out there and you’re looking for your glove she is still out there waiting for your hand to fit nicely with her. Look up at the stars and know if you really exist then someday we can sit under them together.

Why does life seem so perfect on Happy Days? Joni loves Chachy... the Fonz is still cool and the gang is fun and games. I was watching it today. Really pretty random. The episode was about Arnold getting married. And the Fonz is the best man. The Fonz of course avoids it like a pro. And Arnold worries about his long distance love doesn't think he is good enough for her.

But reality is not Happy Days. Reality isn't even one of those reality shows. Its getting up and going to work when you don't want to. Its laughing over the ABC's of safe sex. It is crying tears over the fact that the cute guy likes your best friend instead of you. It's heartache and heart swells. Sometimes more of one than the other. But I don't think I would give up life regardless.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able get my education. Happy to be able to be me. I know I push folks away. I wonder what they would think if they new how loving and caring I am. That I love poetry, Shakespeare, art, music, the outdoors, animals, people, and romance. I am determined, stubborn, generous, shy, smart, smart mouthed and ornery. I like glitter, finger paints, laying in the water looking up at the sky, counting ceiling tiles, and reading encyclopedias. But I suck in relationships and I doubt myself. I question my stuff and others too. I am normally very honest, not really good at lies and I like it best when people are upfront and honest with me. Wow this sounds like a bad personal ad. Should I delete. Oh well. This is me and reality.

Sometimes I think for me I forget that reality is where I live. I look at other people and things and think that is where I should be. And I fail miserable at trying to be there. That's why I decided long ago to not be anything I'm not. I'm not happy when I try to do that. So those are my thoughts today.. ta ta for now.